IS IT MORNING?

OK...Let me start this blog by saying, I have a buzz (I just left the country/western bar). I am in a fowl mood tonight. I had gone to the C/W bar to meet up with some "bar" friends. These are the guys that make me laugh and always have great stories to tell. I call them bar friends because I never see them or talk to them except at the bar. Great guys, and have always been very accepting of me. They were unfortunately not there tonight. One of the guy's daughter got married and they had all gone. So, I was sorta disappointed when I got there and no guys to hang with. Yes, I could have gone somewhere else but wasn't really feeling like it. That should have been my first clue...To just go home.
Gay men, well probably all men, can be complete jerks! FYI...If I look at you and your boy friend, that doesn't mean I want to take him from you, or sleep with you both. I am so sick and tired of guys playing games that I cant stand it. I was at the bar and this guy grabs his BF's hand and turns his nose up to me as he passes by. Looking me up and down and then...then came the eye roll. Like, to say, as if!!! I know that IM PMS-ing right now. Yes...Men have PMS...just not with all the gross side affects! I think the weeks events and all that have made me tired and I should have just stayed home. Is there "normal" out there...And if so, what's their name.
I know none of this is making sense right now. I will probably delete the whole thing come morning. I am just very frustrated and needed to get some things off my chest. All of the attitude...Is it necessary? I know we can all be "bitches" but come on. We have all gone through a great deal in our lives. Where is the solidarity. The...I don't know...Familiarity. The thought of "Hey, we have been through it and lets support each other" mentality. I am going to shut up now. Go to bed. Wake up in the morning and probably erase all of this. But just in case someone reads this...IM pissed and IM tired of the attitudes. Get a life and stop being so shallow!!!
Ok...IM done. Sleep well everyone.

i carry your heart with me


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

This poem was in a movie I watched tonight. Didnt really love the movie...it was good but really not the point. The part that got me was this poem by E.E. Cummings. I am in a weird place today. Emotionally speaking. I am not sure if its loneliness, longing, heartbreak, or...frankly...horniness (is that a word)...but I want to feel this about another man. I want to have that loving feeling again. I want that passion that I carry in my heart. One that knows no limit. Has no boundaries. Rewrites the books on love. I realize that this feeling that I am having is beyond words, but Cummings poem says it for me. I have to know this feeling before life is over. I thought I had it, but I did not. I am speaking of a love from a ways back. There was a man I gave my heart to, but it was not my time yet. He didnt feel the love I did and my heart has not been the same. My love for him has passed, do not get confused, I just want a love that tells a story. One that rewrites the books. A love that knows no boundaries. One that has no limits. A love... i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
YES...it is my turn!

Wild is the Wind
Hey everyone...I am sitting here...Updating the iPod. Listening to Nina Simone. I just love her. Old music. If you haven't heard her...She tells a "mean" story with her music. I don't know a lot about her as a person, but she is great to listen to on occasion.I am listening to her song "Wild is the Wind". She is telling of her love for this man...I swear she just tells it like it is. Its actually interesting that I wanted to listen to this CD today...I've got news...Yes, I have a date! Tuesday night. His name is Ryan. We have been talking pretty much non-stop all weekend. He is a tall drink of water (6'5") and I am excited to meet him. In person that is. I will, of course, fill you all in later. But as for now...Keep those fingers crossed. I will just say this about him...He is different than anyone I have ever met. Generally, I am a very good judge of character. I can sum up someone really fast. It is often why I am called a snob. If I don't like you, it usually shows on my face RIGHT away. Its a blessing and a curse. And NO I am not full of myself...ANYWAY!!!I just wanted to say hello to everyone. I am pretty tired so I am going to get to bed early tonight. Its 9:30 now and I can barely keep my eyes open. Take care everyone and lets all get together soon! Bye for now

CHANGE...Does it have to happen?
I have a dear friend that I have had the privilege to get to know. He told me recently that he is leaving the company that we work for and it has left me feeling oddly blue. Not really depressed. I cant describe it...Just blue. He is an amazing man with many talents. We have often traveled for work together and I love his many stories. I say all of this because it has made me think of changes in life. Are they fair? I know we are supposed to want to grow in life, but I like somethings to stay constant. Of course this can not be. I will miss you AJ and I hope You & Rob are happy there in Nashville.

This turn of events along with others have made me look inwards to see things in my life that have changed over the years...Especially in the most recent. I have come out of the closet, started a new job, moved to a new place, made some amazing friends, have traveled the country, ended relationships that were toxic...And so on. But why in the midst of all these changes, have I felt anxious and depressed. I would be the first to admit that I enjoy things "as they are" not really wanting to rock the boat. I would like to think that I have a good head on my shoulders but when changes happen I get in this reflective mood that's hard to get out of. I know when this happens, I look at myself, and see what's out of balance and try to make adjustments. The truth is, that with out change life would be incredibly boring. Granted, some consistency is necessary for some level of sanity. Of course that is if your sane to begin with (some of you out there might have a couple of opinions on that fact and you can keep them to yourself) LOL.

I say all of this to let myself know that change isn't always bad and good can come from it. Growth happens during the strangest times in life...Looking back can let you see where you have come from and where you are going. Change...Is it fair? Not always. But it does make as grow. And of course..."That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." Until next time...

AAHHHHHH...The Adventure!

Well, I thought I was a little "heavy" on my last entry so I thought I would talk about my recent road trip. Yes, I threw caution into the wind and went on a road trip. Me and a great group of friends decided to go to Mexico. Well, not only Mexico but to Austin as well. It was such an amazing trip. We did spend some time in the car, obviously, but that was were a lot of laughs happened. Driving 75-80 mph on the highway telling stories about each other and generally being big goofs. Of course, we did have a "traveling" beverage that helped the highway seem...Not so boring. We spent a lot of time laughing and cutting up; just being friends.
We had a rude awaking when we got to Mexico though. Everything was closed. I had gone to buy cheap liquor only to be disappointed...Nothing was open. I mean nothing. The elections were taking place and by law they had to close things down. I wasn't too upset because of the great time we were having but disappointed none the less. We did get some things though...That will be for another post!!!
Austin was our next stop. My friend was there to house sit for her brother and we all came along. The four of us laid around, swam in the pool, drank some cocktails, and talked. It was a great bonding time for us. We shared things about one another, made each other laugh, tears flowed and sympathy was shared and felt. It was truly amazing. I had an experience that I truly needed. Kindship. Bonding. The feeling of love. Great friends are hard to come by and I am richly blessed. It has been truly rewarding. I have a great deal of friends, don't get me wrong, but ones that you really click with can be hard sometimes. Anyway, IM glad to be home. Grateful for the experience. And will treasure the memories!!! Until next time...